Ikea. Ikea on a Sunday afternoon. Ikea on a wet Sunday afternoon. My advice is simply, don’t! But if the lure of the simple to construct, immaculately finished, on trend, slightly impersonal but nevertheless must have furnishings is too much to curb, then here is my advice:
- Avoid asking the assistants for any assistance!
Any query as to the whereabouts of something specific is greeted with the response, “Follow the arrows!” For as anyone remotely familiar with this chain will know, it is compulsory to follow the one way system around the store. Heaven help anyone who decides they would like to revisit a department as this would involve going against the flow of bodies – a completely futile task.
I took pity on one older man who, clearly traumatised by the claustrophobic passage from one department to the next, thought he had discovered an escape route and tried to exit by a fire door. His blossoming hope was soon halted however, when, upon opening said door, a loud siren-like wail resounded through the store, causing all the nearby customers to stop and stare in his direction. Paralysed by fear, and no doubt mortified by what now appeared to be a cowardly action, he remained frozen to the spot. Many of us may have pitied his plight but were as helpless as he. I suspect he too had asked an assistant for advice and had had the same monotone response.
2. Follow the arrows!
If you have read all of point number 1, you will realise that this is in fact the only solution, even if you only popped in for a scented candle! However, do not assume that these arrows will be clearly visible at all times. That would make your passage to the end of the shop relatively easy. Be aware that if anyone is standing on or near the arrow, it will disappear. This is because these arrows are meagre lights that shine from somewhere above, somewhere no doubt where Big Brother also dwells and operates the lights in ways that we cannot predict and secretly he laughs at us mere mortals who meander through his maze blindly!
3. Don’t stop suddenly. Obviously. You are on a human conveyor belt and someone will inevitably go into the back of you!
4. Become part of the family….as long as you remember that you are still a guest.
You can become part of the “family” by buying what in any other store is called a loyalty card. However, contradicting this is the disjointed yet ethereal voice that addresses its customers from a mysterious tannoy (mysterious due to its echoey tones and unnatural intonation). All customers, according to this voice, have confusingly become “guests” when it summons them to another end of the shop. And at this point you really feel as though you have stepped in to some Orwellian world, where it knows your name and location, “Could guest Dora Jones please advance to the service tills.” (presumably without passing Go or collecting £200 but following the arrows at all times.) (Do the thought police also know if you are having cynical thoughts about the whole system? I hope not.)
5. Avoid paranoia.
When you finally arrive at the tills to pay, having traversed the whole shop for a £10 storage box that was actually located on the ground floor (£3 extra if you want a lid which is slightly warped and doesn’t close properly so £1 extra to buy clips to keep it shut), the self service till announces that you are under computer surveillance. Obviously this comes as no surprise to those who have spotted the signs that Big Brother is watching you, but for a few who are still unaware, this lets them know in no uncertain terms. Try to remain calm – the exit is nigh!
6. Under no circumstances exit via the entrance….despite the fact that this was the way you came in and your ever-decreasing sense of direction is telling you that the exit is taking you in the wrong direction and that, while you have a mediocre hope of finding your way out if you can recognise some landmarks on the way, you haven’t got a hope in hell of finding a direct route to your car if you have to follow a whole new set of signs, not least because you are losing the will to live at this stage, despite the distant light of day offering a final glimmer of hope. You should have learnt one thing at least by now – Follow the signs!
7. Don’t follow the signs out of the car park.
If you do, you will get caught up in the line of cars entering the car park as the entrance and exits merge. There is however a sneaky way out the back that takes you straight to the roundabout…and freedom!
8. Above all, maintain a sense of humour at all times.
I hope you enjoy your trip to Ikea.
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